Apple

The naming of all the animals was finally drawn to a close with the zebu which we know today as that interesting species of cattle which has a hump on its back. A minor fuss was kicked up over this particular animal as Adam firmly believed that the camel from before had somehow managed to wander back into the naming procession. It had been a long day.  

“Well that’s all of them,” went God. “Good job on the quetzal. That’s definitely going to cause some confusion in the future.”

Both Adam and Eve nodded their appreciation at the compliment.

“I have to be heading off shortly,” said He. “I’ve got a few other pots on the boil and I really can’t be babying you two for all eternity. You’ll have to figure out some things for yourself. I’ve got a few ground rules, obviously, but I’ll get those carved out sometime in the future.”

God clapped his hands together. “All right, so the Garden of Eden is yours to take care of. Try and keep things nice and tidy whilst I’m away. Please remember to water the azaleas once a day for Me.”

“Yes, O Lord,” Eve declared.

“It shall be done,” said Adam.

“Okay, great,” produced God. “Oh, yes! Before I go, I’ve just remembered something. You’re allowed to eat the fruit of any tree or bush in the garden though it might be tougher to reach some of the higher branches. If you’re wanting apples, you’ll have to climb.”

“Thank you, O Mighty One,” the first humans chorused.

“Also, please be careful when climbing the trees. If you fall out you could do yourself a serious injury and there aren’t any doctors around here,” spaked He.

“Do you mind if I pop out for a second or two?” interrupted Eve.

“Excuse Me?”

“I need to use the bathroom.”

“Can you not hold it for a little while?” asked He.

Eve shook her head.

“Sure,” conceded God. “Please don’t dilly-dally though.”

The first woman hurried off.

God cast a sidelong glance at Adam who seemed content to carry on listening.

“I’m fairly certain that I created the bladders the same size,” He mused. “Oh well, it does not matter. Let’s move along. You’ll just have to relay what I’ve told you.”

Adam nodded.

“On top of the fruit thing, I’ve got a tree over there. Do you see it?” asked God, pointing at the tree He had just mentioned.

“I see it, O Lord,” declared the first man.  

“That is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil,” He declared. “I know the name doesn’t roll off the tongue but I can’t change it now.”

God paused, reflecting on the name once more.

“From that tree you must never eat.”

“Never?” asked Adam.

“Never ever,” answered God.

There was a pause.

“Ever,” God added for extra emphasis.

Adam nodded once more.

“If you eat of the fruit from that tree, you will die.”

A hush fell over the Garden of Eden.     

“Die?” asked Adam.

“Die,” reiterated God.

Being the first man in all creation as well as being created a handful of days ago, it was no fault of Adam that he didn’t have a firm understanding of what death or dying was all about just yet. The word still sounded quite daunting to him.  

“Y-yes, O God,” he stammered whilst nodding furiously.

God then looked up into the sky and, using the position of the sun, figured out the time.

“Now I really must be going,” He said. “Please do pass those instructions onto Eve for me. Don’t forget now, Adam.”

“I won’t, O Lord,” replied the first man.

God levitated and then floated upwards a short distance before vanishing completely.  

“Neat,” went Adam.

Eve reappeared shortly thereafter.

“Did I miss anything?” she asked.

Let it be known that men do not always have the greatest memories for as Adam tried doggedly to recall what his Lord had moments ago told him, he was unable to. All that had stuck fast in his mind was one thing.

“Die,” he whispered quietly.

“What?” asked Eve.

“The Lord said it to me a short while ago,” Adam offered. “There was more to it. Something He mentioned before that but I can’t seem to remember…”

“Die,” she parroted.

The two stood in silence for a short while.

“Whatever it is, I don’t think it should be something we worry about,” reasoned Eve.       

Adam shrugged his agreement.  

“Should we take a better look around this place?” he asked.

His other half nodded.

And the two went for a stroll.

The two had meandered about the garden for quite some time before coming to rest under a particularly interesting tree. Their eyes hungrily devoured the splendour of the arboreal amazement which stood before them.

“Would you look at that ocelot?” Adam declared suddenly. “What a beaut.”

There was a pause.

“That is a snake,” said Eve.

“What?”

“Adam, that’s definitely a snake. I remember it from the naming,” she continued. “Don’t you remember? With the fangs? God said some are poisonous.”

“Are you certain?” Adam ventured.

“What about the hissing? Don’t you remember the hissing?” Eve asked. She did an impression of a snake hissing. She also popped her tongue in and out of her mouth a couple of times for good measure.

“Yeah, that’s done it!” Adam said. “I remember now.”

“Where is it?”

Adam pointed toward the creature in question.

“What a beaut,” he said.   

It had to be said that it was a pretty good-looking snake. God hadn’t held back his artistic prowess when it came to fabricating this particular reptile. This was a snake with all the trimmings. This was a snake which had all the bells and whistles. However, this was also a snake which had bad intentions.  

“Hello,” went the snake.

“Greetings, snake,” replied Eve.

“Please, we can do away with the formalities. You may call me Henry,” the snake said.

“I’m Adam,” produced Adam. “And this is Eve. It’s nice to meet you.”

“I saw that you two were admiring this tree that I am in. It is wondrous, no?”

“It is wondrous, yes,” answered Eve. “It’s rather different from most of the other trees we’ve seen today. Wouldn’t you agree, Adam?” she asked after turning to face him.

“Yes, rather different,” he muttered whilst wearing upon his face an expression of botheration.

Little did Adam and Eve know that this was the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. This was the selfsame tree whose fruits God had warned Adam not to partake of.

“What’s that next to you?” asked Eve, pointing towards something beside the snake.

“I don’t rightly know,” said Henry the snake. In all likelihood Henry did know what the object in question was, but perhaps had elected not to share this information with the pair because he was a rascal.

The object which Eve had pointed at was a sign which God had knocked up earlier just to be doubly sure. It was a warning to both Adam and Eve not to eat the fruits of this particular tree. He had hung this over one of the branches of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. However, God had forgotten that neither Adam nor Eve could read yet, so it was a warning which was bound to be ignored.

“I doubt it is of great importance,” Henry declared.

“Also, what are those?” she questioned, gesticulating towards the shiny, red orbs which were strewn about the tree.

“Those are apples,” went the snake.

“Oh, God was talking about those earlier, wasn’t He, Adam?” she said, nudging the man beside her. “He said that apples are quite good but that we might have to climb to get them. They are rather high up…”

Adam was deep in thought at this point in time as he was trying desperately to recall what God had told him earlier that day. Something about this tree was causing him to wonder.   

“They are high up,” produced Henry the snake, “but I’m sure I can slither up there and bring one down for you, if you’d like?”

Eve smiled and nodded. Henry the snake disappeared briefly and a rustling of leaves could be heard somewhere above. It was at this point in time that Adam recalled what God had told him.  

“Eve, wait,” he went. “We can’t eat the fruit from this tree.”

“What?”

“That’s what I couldn’t remember from earlier. That’s what God told me. This is the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and we can’t eat from it.”

The rustling from above could still be heard, faint yet audible still.

“If we eat from this tree we will die, Eve,” he warned.

“Die,” repeated Eve. “We still don’t know what that means…”

“God said ‘no’ and that’s what matters,” declared Adam.

It was at this point in time that Henry the snake reappeared. He popped his head out from between some leaves whilst flicking his little forkéd tongue in and out of his mouth.

“An apple,” he offered, as he lowered the fruit, firmly clasped in his coils, to the pair beneath him.

“We aren’t allowed to eat from this tree,” Eve said, her eyes admiring the luscious apple which the snake had presented her with. “God said so. He told us we would die if we ate any fruit that came off of this tree.”

“Pish-posh,” declared the snake. “You certainly won’t die from eating an apple off this tree.”

“But God said...” began Adam.

“God doesn’t want you eating any of these apples because if you did, you would be like Him. You would know good and evil. You would have your eyes opened.”

“We already have our eyes open,” said Eve.

“It’s a more metaphorical opening of the eyes,” Henry the snake explained. “It’s about knowledge and understanding. Eating from this tree would make you wise.”  

Eve cast a wary look towards Adam who shrugged.

“Also, apples are really tasty,” the snake added.

“They do look rather tasty, I have to admit,” she said. “Plus, the whole wizening bit sounds good to me.”

She took the apple from the snake, regarded its beauty once more, and then bit into it. It was delicious. To be fair, this was the apple which all other apples aspired to be.

“You’ve got to try this, Adam,” she ordered, proffering the apple to him.

Adam took the apple with some hesitancy and then bit into it. Moments later he shared the same feelings regarding the fruit as Eve did. His taste buds were overcome by this particular apple. He savoured the taste for a short while longer, ultimately being interrupted by Eve staring wide-eyed at his midsection.

“What’s wrong?” he asked. “Is it one of those spider things? Is it on me? I knew this would happen. I told Him the spiders were a bad idea. Eight legs, eight eyes, and no heart. Get it off me!”

However, there was no spider. Instead, Eve was feeling the effects of the forbidden fruit and, as she regarded her counterpart, she saw that he was naked. This then led to the realization that she was also naked. Adam too had noticed this and, dropping the apple, used his hands to shield his unmentionables.

Eve followed suit. The two stood around awkwardly for a moment.

“What about those ones?” Adam asked, pointing with a freed hand.

Eve looked glanced downward and blushed.

“Turn around!” she screamed.

And Adam did as he was told. Eve was greeted with a surprising sight here too.

“There’s one on your back!” exclaimed she.

“A spider?” shouted Adam. “What? Where? Get it off!”

“No, not a spider,” Eve said. “It’s another bit I’m not supposed to see just yet.” She shuttered her eyes to the sight.

“Oh,” went Adam.

 “I feel we should both cover ourselves up for the time being.”

And so they sewed loincloths from fig leaves and other various bits and bobs which were readily available in the Garden of Eden. It was not long after this that the pair heard God returning to His garden. They feared for the repercussions of what they had done and hid themselves behind some of the other trees.  

  

Eden

It was in this way that God brought Adam and Eve into the Garden of Eden, with one seated in each of His mighty hands.

“What is this place, O God?” asked Adam, who was the first man.

 The surrounding areas were pristine, as God had intended them to be when He set His mighty hand to designing them.

“This, Adam,” replied He, “is the Garden of Eden.”

“Did He say ‘Garden of Adam'? Why’ve you got your own garden already?” came a voice.

There was a brief pause.

“I want my own garden.”

“Ahem,” ahem-ed God. “Where you presently find yourselves is the Garden of Eden.”

He gestured to everything contained therein. This place truly was a sight to behold. Let it be known that if God has decided to play gardener then He’s going to have the greenest thumb around.

“It is truly magnificent,” produced Adam. “All the other trees, bushes, and shrubberies I have seen prior to this area seem to pale in comparison. It is beautiful.”

 “Yes, I have turned up the brightness in here so as to create that effect. Do you like it?” God asked.

Both Adam and Eve nodded.

“I can dim it, if you’d like?”

Evening suddenly descended on the Garden of Eden, confusing a couple of rabbits which were grazing nearby.

“There we go,” went He. “Very romantic. I personally prefer the sunrise but to each their own, I suppose. Now let me explain why I’ve brought you here.”

High up above didst the sun reappear.

“I have brought you into the Garden of Eden so that you can take care of it for me,” God explained. “This was originally going to be a project I gave to you, Adam, but, in hindsight, it made more sense to bring both of you in. Many hands make light work,” God declared. “Write that down.”

Adam and Eve shared a moment of confusion.

“Oh, writing,” replied He. “That only comes later. Alright, never you mind that.”

He then placed man and woman on the grounds of the garden and transmogrified in size so that he could walk alongside them. In this way did God demonstrate the splendor of the Garden of Eden.

“Initially I was just going to have you do this for me, Adam,” said God. “I decided, however, that you probably wouldn’t be able to cope by yourself so I created Eve here to help.”

Adam regarded Eve and, by the glory of God, perceived her properly for the first time.

“Yes, Adam,” went God. “She is like you in many ways. In other ways, not so much." 

“Where did she come from?” produced Adam.  

There was no getting around it. “Well, Adam, I put you into a deep sleep last night,” God replied. “I then reached into your body and took out one of your ribs.”

“Begging your pardon, God, but what’s a rib?” asked Eve.

“Ah, my child. It’s a bit hard to explain without going into detail,” He answered. “Think of your rib as one of the parts I used to create you.”

“Oh,” went Adam.

“Yes,” offered God.

“You just took it?” Adam asked. “I’m not upset or anything, God. Don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “If this rib thing was inside my body, surely it’s something I need?” There was an uncertain quavering in the voice of Adam.

“You did not need this rib, my son,” God responded. “I removed said rib and used it as one of the parts to create Eve, who you now see before you.”

“Cor,” murmured Adam.

A hush fell over the garden.

“Am I made from spare parts, O God?” asked Eve. “I’ve only been around five minutes and I already feel a bit hard done by.”

God was at a loss for words. It is true that it is sometimes tough to talk to women. However, Adam, who had been reflecting this entire time, responded to Eve.

“Our God has formed you from a part of me,” he declared.  “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; this one shall be called Woman, for out of Man this one was taken. You and I, we are one and the same.”

It was plain to see that beyond this, both Adam and Eve were also quite naked, and they were not bothered in the slightest.

“Ah, that’s better,” went Eve. “That sounds more like it.”  

“The rib was but one part,” declared God. “Like Adam, I crafted you from the dust of the ground, but it was only when I breathed on you that life entered your body.”

Eve was well and truly satisfied. Adam, however, was fiddling with the scar tissue on his abdomen and, in doing so, had aroused a question in his mind.

“Lord, if Eve and I wanted others to join us in Your garden, could You perhaps teach us that rib trick?”  

“It is a rather tricky process,” replied He. “Tell you what, give Me some time and I’ll try and work out an easier method for you two.”

The sun was at its zenith in the sky above.

“Moving on,” declared God. “Before you two can get any work done in My garden, you’ll have to assign a few names to everything I have seen fit to create. This will make it easier when you work the land and want to call out to those animals that are not doing what you expected them to do.”

At this point, God summoned up one of the animals he had made earlier. It was the animal which we know today as the aardvark.   

“You may wish to sit down,” He offered. “We will be here a while.”   

Genesis

In the beginning there was nothing.

After enough time had passed, God wandered into the nothing. It was then that He created the heavens and the earth. At this point in time, the earth was a bit of an empty canvas awaiting the artist's paint. He admired His handiwork briefly.    

“It’s a bit dark in here,” He went, after stubbing His toe. “I’m not going to put up with all this darkness about the place. I could do Myself an injury.”

Thusly, he spake out: “Let there be light.”

And there was light.  

“How’d all this water get in here?” asked He. “I’ll just have to incorporate it into the final build.” He regarded the Light and knew it was good. “Now you, Darkness, just go sit in the corner until I need you again,” ordered He.

And Darkness did as it was bidden, meandering away forlornly.

“I need the two of you to settle any differences you may have had in the past,” God continued. “You two need to work together if anything’s going to happen. When the two of you work together, we shall have a day, and I shall try my best to divide it up equally between the two of you.”

He paused.

“But there might be times when we see too much Darkness or too much Light and even if people complain about having to go to bed whilst it’s still light out, just ignore it.”

Both Darkness and Light were in agreement.

“Light, you’re up first,” declared He.

And there was morning and that was the first day. On this first day, God made the sky above the waters. He also had to break up a tiff between Darkness and Light after the two began arguing about whose go it was.

And there was morning again. It was the second day. God got up nice and early for the occasion.

"Let the waters under the sky be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear"

And so it was. God was going to call the dry land Mars but decided it wasn’t a very becoming title and instead opted for Earth. He gathered up all the water and surrounded the dry land with them and called them the Seas. God looked upon his work and was chuffed.

“Could use a bit of sprucing up though,” He declared.

And so God liberally applied vegetation to his work. Plants and trees of every kind were present. These plants would bear seeds so as to beget more plants, whilst some would bear fruit which contained seeds inside them, except strawberries. Here present, every plant could be seen, even the rubbish ones like the Triffid weed and those bushes which grow poisonous berries.

On the morning of the third day, God created two great lights so as to noticeably divide the day from the night. He gave the greater of the two, the sun, to Light and the lesser, the moon, to Darkness. Darkness, who felt a bit hard done by, muttered his unhappiness. God reassured Darkness by reminding him that the nighttime would also receive the splendor of the stars and would also be the best time for games of hide and seek.

Eventually everyone was in agreement with the two great lights which God had created and so He set them off into the sky.

On the morning of the fourth day, the sun rose.

"Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the dome of the sky,” spake God.

And it was in this way that He created every sea monster as well as every winged bird of every kind. He gathered them before Himself.

“Be fruitful and multiply,” He declared. “You lot stay in the air. You lot stay in the water. Okay?”

The animals collected before God nodded in collective unison.

“Sharks,” ordered He. “I cannot emphasise this enough. If I ever catch sight of you on dry land, so help Me, there will be trouble.”

After the previous evening, came the following morning, and with it, the fifth day. God took a gander at the dry land and, taking note of its barrenness, He declared, “Let the earth bring forth living creatures of every kind: cattle and creeping things and wild animals of the earth of every kind."

When He had finished His work, He admired it. It was good.

He had been uncertain about the platypus but seeing it waddling about next to a stream was enough to allay any doubts He may have had.

He then gathered up all the creatures He had made, paying particular attention so as to not get poked by the pricklier ones.

“Be fruitful and multiply,” He decreed. “Be careful when it comes to water though, some of you can’t swim very well.” And then He looked at the elephant. “Or even swim at all.”

The animals listened to God’s sage advice.

“Some of you should avoid going into the water entirely,” went He. “There are things in there that will eat you. Trust me, I made them.”

There was a pause.

“Okay, that’s all I've got for you lot,” God declared. “Off you go. Enjoy the dry land. Watch out for overgrazing.”

And some of the animals wandered off and began to nibble at various plants. God held the carnivores in his presence a little while longer.

“Now you lot aren’t really interested in the green stuff,” He went. “I’ve made you that way. However, because things are just kicking off around here, I need you all to build your dens first, before anything else. Find yourself a place to live, give it a day or two, and then start chasing those herbivores.”  

With that He set the carnivores loose but He paid close attention to them as they set off, so as to make sure that some of the sneakier ones didn’t try anything funny when walking past the gazelle.

God saw what He had done and it was good.

"Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the wild animals of the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth,” He said.

And with that, mankind was created in the image of God, both male and female. He placed all of mankind before him.

"Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth."

God turned around and spread His wide hands across all He had created. A vast gesture.

“I have created all of this for you,” went He.

Sadly, man and woman didn’t have such good attention spans and had meandered off.

“Though I say ‘fill the earth and subdue it’, I don’t want you treating the earth badly in the process. It will become temperamental and probably throw up a giant wave or a volcano, if you’re too forceful. Also, when I say ‘dominion over’ the fish, the birds, and all the land beasties, I don’t mean complete domination thereof.”

He paused.

“I made all of them with care,” He said. “I expect them to be treated with the same care.”

God pointed out a couple of trees and shrubberies He had placed.

"See, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food.”

He noted then the Baobab tree which he had planted upside down and, instead of correcting His mistake, he decided it was better for it.

“Don’t be irresponsible with that which I have bequeathed you,” He declared. “There is a delicate balance between all of the things which I have created. If that balance should be upset there will be problems.”

The evening had come.

“You are also going to have to share all the plants with some of the land animals, but I’m sure you’ll figure this out,” He said.

God turned back to face those whom He had created in His own image but with Darkness having cast its shadow over the dry land, He mistook some cacti for them.

“Be fruitful and multiply,” reiterated He.

When morning rolled around on the sixth day, God took in all the work He had done. He touched up some of the previous days’ rough edges and also ensured that the gravity would be left on at all times.

He called the Darkness in early.

On the seventh day, God rested. He deserved it too after all the work He had done. He reflected upon the fifth day, which had been a really long one, what with doing both animals and mankind. After waking up from His midafternoon siesta God blessed this day and made it holy.

And it was in this way that the heavens and the earth were finished.